before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
