My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
