if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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