One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I intend to get homeless drunk
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
