I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
