I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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