I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
