It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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