I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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