Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
