I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize