now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
