Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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