the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
