she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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