Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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