a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
