So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
