Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
