she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
