my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
