I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
