I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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