Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
bring money and cleavage
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Mom said you looked used
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
