It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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