I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
