by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize