We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she told me i tasted like america
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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