On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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