I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
