we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
