Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
