i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
