The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
