What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
