wanna go halves on a baby?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
