LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
