Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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