just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
