Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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