just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
