3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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