Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
