why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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