Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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