I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
