You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
