omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
