I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize