something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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