this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I need to calm my uterus...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
