Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
