I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just invented taco cereal.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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