Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
40s are totally the cure
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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