just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
