I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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