Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
