What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
