im about as happy as oj after his trial
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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