WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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