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Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
