ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
