last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
