why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
