Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize