i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
