Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
